#058 High Gear Parenting: Why Teens Need More From You, Not Less

There’s a common lie floating around parenting circles that sounds like this:
“You just have to let them learn from their mistakes.”

And sure, experience is a great teacher.
But who decides what counts as a mistake and what counts as a catastrophe?

I was a high school teacher. I saw what happened when parents hit cruise control during the teen years.
They let go too soon.
They assumed their job was mostly done.
And the kids? They floundered.

Because here’s the truth: these are the years when parenting needs to go into high gear.

You’re not clamping down.
You’re not micromanaging.
But you are tuned in.

To their moods.
To their relationships.
To the subtle shifts in behavior that tell you something is off.

Think of yourself like a guide in a museum, or a theme park, or even the mall.
Your teen is still the one walking through the experience. But you are the map.
You are the calm voice helping them navigate what’s ahead.

You’ve done this before.
You know where the dead ends are.
You know what happens when you take that shortcut that looks fun but leads to regret.

Your job is not to force them through the safest path.
It’s to stay present and prepared.
It’s to help them navigate toward who they are becoming.

The Question That Changes Everything

One of the most powerful tools I’ve used as a parent is this simple question:
“How would you like to solve that?”

It shifts the conversation from control to coaching.
It opens the door to connection.
And it builds confidence without cutting off communication.

Now sometimes, their “solution” is still going to flop.

I remember the time my son told me he was going to break up with his girlfriend by text.
I told him I thought it was a terrible idea.
In fact, I said it twice. Maybe three times.

But I also let him make the call.

He went upstairs, sent the message, and came back down ten shades of regret.
He looked at me and said, “It’s not just her texting me now. It’s all her friends. It’s really not good.”

I kept a straight face and asked, “How’s that working out?”

He got it.
He owned it.
And he learned, because I didn’t rescue him from it.

That’s what high-gear parenting looks like.
You’re not hovering. But you’re present.
You’re listening. You’re coaching. You’re helping them figure it out without falling off a cliff.

Let’s Get Real: This Is Where You Break the Pattern

Every family passes things down.

Some pass down wealth.
Some pass down baggage.
Most pass down a little of both.

And if we’re being honest, that baggage doesn’t always look like dysfunction.
Sometimes it looks like avoidance.
Sometimes it looks like shame.
Sometimes it looks like staying silent when your teen hits the same road you once did.

Maybe you experimented with sex, drugs, or alcohol.
Maybe you struggled with anxiety or self-worth.
Maybe you grew up in a home where nobody talked about anything real.

And now you’re the parent.
And your teen is facing some of the same choices.

This is not the moment to disappear.
This is the moment to wake up and decide what stops with you.

In my family, it was divorce.
My kids have eight grandparents. That pattern ran deep.
But my husband and I made a decision. It stops with us.
And it did.

Whatever your pattern is, name it.
You cannot change what you will not face.
And your awareness is the first act of leadership your teen may never even know about, but they’ll benefit from it just the same.

You do not have to pass down what was handed to you.
You can hand your kids something better.
And it starts right here, with seeing it clearly and choosing a new path forward.

One Tip for Today:

Ask your teen a question that shows you trust them to think.
Here are a few that work:

• What are your options right now?

• What do you think will happen if you try that?

• What would you do differently next time?

You are not lecturing.
You are listening.
You are helping them think it through and feel your belief in them at the same time.

Want to parent with confidence, especially during the tough moments?
Grab our free guide: “The Confidence Bank: How to Build It, How to Use It, and Why Your Kids Need One”
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