#012 The Silent Treatment Isn’t a Parenting Tool: It’s a Wound

Parenting is a complex journey. It comes with joy, pride, and growth—but it also comes with hard moments that stretch us beyond what we thought we could handle.

And one of the most damaging habits we can carry into parenting is one that often feels subtle: the silent treatment.

Understanding the Silent Treatment

Have you ever been on the receiving end of it?

I have—both as a child and as a daughter. And I made a decision early on: I would never do that to my kids.

The silent treatment is not a timeout. It’s not reflection. It’s withholding love, connection, and emotional safety—and it sends a loud message: “You are not worth speaking to.”

When you’ve experienced that kind of withdrawal, you know how painful it is. That’s why I made communication the centerpiece of our family culture. Because if something hurt me as a child, I was not going to repeat it.

A Student Who Walked on Eggshells

I once had a student who would sit at my desk in tears. Her mom used the silent treatment whenever she was upset, and it left this young girl in a constant state of anxiety. She was afraid to speak, afraid to mess up, afraid to be herself.

And as a school leader, I had to tread carefully. I didn’t want to get between her and her mom. But I could help her use her voice.

I suggested she write her mom a letter. In it, she shared how she felt and took responsibility for the behavior that triggered the silence.

It worked. Her mom responded.

That moment stayed with me. More communication, not less—always.

Why Communication Is the Cornerstone

You’ve probably seen it in nature. A lioness can correct her cub, but she never withholds nurture. She disciplines, then draws them close.

That’s the kind of parenting I believe in.

Human families need ongoing connection—especially in conflict. When communication breaks down, trust erodes. Without trust, kids become afraid of their parents rather than drawn to them.

So What Do You Do Instead?

Here’s what I practiced in my own home—imperfectly, but consistently:

1. Take a Mommy Timeout

If you're overwhelmed in the moment, it’s okay to pause. Pull the car over. Look them in the eye. Say:

“I need a minute. I love you, and we’ll talk about this once we’ve both calmed down.”

This models self-regulation—and keeps the door open.

2. Give Them Predictability

Kids don’t like being yanked from what they’re doing. When possible, give a heads-up. Say,

“You’ve got five more minutes, and then it’s time to go.”
That simple notice avoids conflict and shows respect.

3. Solve Problems Together

If a meltdown happens after screen time ends, ask your child what would help them manage it better. I once used a LEGO-man timer to help my son see time. It worked better than any lecture ever could.

4. Post the Schedule

A visible routine—like one taped to the fridge—gives kids predictability and ownership. They learn to run their lives by watching you run the home.

5. Expect Emotions—and Plan for Them

Kids cry. They melt down. They act out. It’s normal. But instead of saying, “Snap out of it,” I started managing for it.

Before the grocery store, I’d pack snacks.
Before bedtime, I’d scan for tired cues.
It wasn’t perfect, but it prevented a lot of unnecessary tension.

The Bigger Picture: They’re Adults in Training

That was my mindset from day one.

I wasn’t raising children to stay children. I was raising adults—and I wanted them to see adulthood as something good.

Yes, it comes with more responsibility. But it also comes with more freedom, trust, and privileges.

I made sure they saw both.

You Don’t Need Silence to Lead

Our role as parents isn’t to punish—it’s to lead with love, clarity, and connection.
And when things get hard, the answer is always more communication—not less.

Let’s be the generation that breaks the silence and chooses relationship instead.

Want a strategy that helps your family handle tough moments with grace and strength?

👉 Download the free ebook: How to Create Family

It’s your first step to building connection-driven discipline and lifelong trust.